I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
