Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
