Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
