I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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