I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
