I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
