fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
