Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
