Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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