i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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