Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
