Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
