I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ladies don't puke and tell
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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