I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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