Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
