Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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