who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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