ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
