You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
