I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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