I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
