God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
