I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
