can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
