Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
