i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
