last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
