I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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