omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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