Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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