Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
