she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
