I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
