It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
