I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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