Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
