should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
