I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
