sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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