I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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