Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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