Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He has the fingertips of a God
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
