Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
