Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
