No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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