A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
