I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
