I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
