I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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