So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
